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Ganon
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Fr, 20. Okt 2006, 16:34

Tequila! hat geschrieben:
Das ist wirklich erschreckend. Denn das Ergebnis bedeutet: Nur 3% der Briten haben Humor, 11% sind dagegen Faschisten ...


Erfundene Geschehnisse, die für einige wirklich passierten

Krieg der Welten, Invasion der Marsmenschen - 6%
Schlacht von Helms Klamm, Herr der Ringe Trilogie - Die Zwei Türme - 3%
Der Kampf um Endor, Die Rückkehr der Jedi - 2%
Planet der Affen, die Affen beherrschen die Welt - 1%
Kampfstern Galactica - die Vernichtung der Menschheit durch Cyborgs - 1%

Selbst wenn man von Überschneidungen ausgeht, sind das immerhin 6% mit Humor. Obwohl die (abgewehrte) Invasion von Aliens immer noch wahrscheinlicher ist als die Vernichtung der Menschheit durch Cyborgs. =)

Auch geil der Nachsatz in der Meldung:
Uns ist bewußt, daß der Spiegelbeitrag behauptet, mehr als 60% würden glauben, daß Helms Klamm stattgefunden hat. Das einzige, was hier stimmt ist, daß ordentliche Recherchen beim Spiegel immer weniger relevant sind. Mehr als 60 (!!!) Leute -in absoluter Zahl- haben angegeben, die Schlacht für Realität zu halten, nicht Prozent!
_______________________________
Leland Yee, the Senator that decided that violent videogames were so dangerous to society that he needed to propose a law that banned selling them to minors, was arrested recently for weapons trafficking. He was buying shoulder-mounted rocket launchers from an extremist Islamic group and accidentally sold them to a member of the FBI. I mean, thank God he doesn't play videogames or he might have really become a threat to society.

-- Extra Credits Episode 200
 
Eric_Day
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Der Android und der Wahlkamp

Di, 7. Nov 2006, 17:25

Vorab: Ich hoffe, das hier noch niemand diesen Witz in ähnlicher Form gepostet hat. Dickes Sorry, wenn er schon bekannt sein sollte.

Man schreibt das Jahr 2007. In den Vereinigten Staaten tobt der Präsidentschaftswahlkampf. Da treffen sich zwei Wissenschaftler. Und der eine sagt: "Komm mit in mein Labor. Ich muß dir unbedingt eine neue Entwicklung zeigen."
"Was ist es denn?" fragt der andere.
"Ein neuartiger Androide. Mit extrem hochentwickelter künstlicher Intelligenz. Momentan testen wir ihn gerade als Barkeeper."
Die beiden gehen ins Forschungslabor, wo eine Bartheke aufgebaut ist und dahinter ein sehr menschlich aussehender Roboter mit Frack und Schnurrbart seinen Dienst versieht.
"Er reagiert auf deinen Intellekt bzw IQ" fährt sein Erfinder fort. "Und kann seine Gesprächsthemen dadurch anpassen. Probier es aus!"
Der andere Wissenschaftler geht etwas zögerlich an die Theke, ordert einen Martini und sagt dann: "Ich habe einen IQ von 169"
Der Androide beginnt: "Dann kennen Sie sicherlich das Problem der Speziellen Relativitätstheorie im Bezug auf die Superstring-These und deren Verständnis des subatomaren Quantenraums."
Der Wissenschaftler ist völlig erstaunt. "Wow" sagt er zu seinem Kollegen und startet einen zweiten Versuch. Wieder bestellt er sich hierzu einen Drink und sagt dann: "Ich habe einen IQ von 100!"
Der Roboter antwortet: "Bei den Sportergebnissen sieht es so aus, als ob die Boston Red Socks dieses Jahr die Liga anführen würden."
Wieder staunt der Wissenschaftler Bände und bestellt sich nochmals einen Drink. "Ich habe einen IQ von 50" sagt er.
Der Roboter antwortet kurz und knapp: "Dann sind sie also für Jeb Bush als nächsten Präsident?"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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Hoffentlich erlischt DIESES Sonnenlicht für IMMER!!!

Mi, 8. Nov 2006, 21:27

@ Hatori Hanso

"Wo bist Du mein Sonnenlicht" - ist für mein Dafürhalten nur ein

KOLLABIERVERSTÄRKER, um sich schnell nen Tinnitus zu holen

Quo vadis, guude Muckä???

MfG

Lothar
 
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Zigarettenmarke à la 60-er Jahre

Mi, 8. Nov 2006, 22:28

Willst verrecken, suchst ein Mittel,
rauche ECKSTEIN 5 1/3
grün ist die Packung, grün ist der Sinn,
5 steht drauf und 6 sind drin!

*muhahahahaha*

MfG

Lothar
 
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Frogo
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Do, 9. Nov 2006, 00:02

Geht wieder mal gegen Bush, ich find's aber trotzdem klasse :green:: (vorsicht, etwas länger)


Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with
Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate
leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting
drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public,too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets, I mean, the Russians, are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't
help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.
Zuletzt geändert von Frogo am Do, 9. Nov 2006, 00:05, insgesamt 2-mal geändert.
______________________
<robbe> ichhatteeinenstreitmitmeinerleertasteundjetztredenwirnichtmehrmiteinander (GBO)
 
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Viele Links sind IMHO einfach nur tot!

Do, 9. Nov 2006, 00:30

Zuerst möchte ich ein großes Lob ob der großen Witzesammlung den Postern aussprechen. Ein wenig sauer stößt mir auf, dass ich beim Klicken von einigen Links nur die verf***te Fehlermeldung 404 "Seite nicht gefunden" bekomme.

Schade eigentlich! :(

MfG

Lothar

PS: okie einige Links sind von 2002 - muss ich zu Eurer Ehrenrettung sagen...
die gelten womöglich im Jahre des Herrn 2006 nicht mehr...
 
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Ein kurzer Georg B-Witz

Sa, 11. Nov 2006, 11:59

Georg W. Bush stirbt. Weil er immer schön an Gott geglaubt hat, landet er vor der Himmelspforte. Die ist allerdings verschlossen. Bush klopft dagegen, eine kleine Klappe öffnet sich und ein weißbärtiger Mann blickt hindurch.
"Wer da?" fragt er.
"G. W. Bush, Präsident der Vereinigten Staaten."
Petrus kichert. "Das kann ja jeder sagen."
"Ich bin Georg Bush, Präsident der Vereinigten Staaten."
"Haben sie dafür einen Beweis?"
"Be-weis?" stottert Bush. "Wie-so Be-weis?"
"Bei uns muß man sich ausweisen könnten. Selbst Newton und Mutter Theresa mußten das."
"Wer ist Newton? Und was für eine Theresa?"
Petrus öffnet die Tür. "Treten Sie ein, Mister Präsident."
:D
 
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Hattori Hanso
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 10:26

--------------------------------------------------------
1+1 ist ungefähr 3

http://card.mygamercard.net/DeadlyEngineer.png

http://avatar.xboxlive.com/avatar/Deadl ... r-body.png
 
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Frogo
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 10:57

Klasse :lol:
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Ganon
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 11:36

Hatori Hanso (DirtyHarry) hat geschrieben:
Alt? Aber gut:

Stimmt beides. :-)
_______________________________
Leland Yee, the Senator that decided that violent videogames were so dangerous to society that he needed to propose a law that banned selling them to minors, was arrested recently for weapons trafficking. He was buying shoulder-mounted rocket launchers from an extremist Islamic group and accidentally sold them to a member of the FBI. I mean, thank God he doesn't play videogames or he might have really become a threat to society.

-- Extra Credits Episode 200
 
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Ssnake
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 12:08

Die "Angst vor der Bombe" ist ja wohl der Hammer.
Du liest diesen Text nicht. Fnord.
 
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Hattori Hanso
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 12:24

Ssnake hat geschrieben:
Die "Angst vor der Bombe" ist ja wohl der Hammer.


Oh ja, unschlagbar.... Da viel mir doch gleich mein anachistischer Kamerad von der Bundeswehr ein der im hochoffiziellen ABC-Waffen-Abwehr-Test auf die Frage "Was machen Sie wenn sie eine Atomexplosion sehen" geschrieben hat: "Ich nehme mein G3 und bin schneller!" (Selbstmord)
--------------------------------------------------------

1+1 ist ungefähr 3



http://card.mygamercard.net/DeadlyEngineer.png



http://avatar.xboxlive.com/avatar/Deadl ... r-body.png
 
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Ganon
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 12:47

Aber irgendwie glaube ich nicht, dass die wirklich alle die gleiche Frage beantwortet haben. ;-) Trotzdem lustig.
_______________________________
Leland Yee, the Senator that decided that violent videogames were so dangerous to society that he needed to propose a law that banned selling them to minors, was arrested recently for weapons trafficking. He was buying shoulder-mounted rocket launchers from an extremist Islamic group and accidentally sold them to a member of the FBI. I mean, thank God he doesn't play videogames or he might have really become a threat to society.

-- Extra Credits Episode 200
 
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Di, 14. Nov 2006, 22:07

Ganon2000 hat geschrieben:
Aber irgendwie glaube ich nicht, dass die wirklich alle die gleiche Frage beantwortet haben. ;-) Trotzdem lustig.


Ich fürchte eher, dass die teilweise gar nicht gewusst haben, was denn dieser "koreanische Diktator" überhaupt für ein Typ sein soll. :roll:
 
Eric_Day
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Das Geschenk

So, 19. Nov 2006, 13:05

Hier ein Ultrakurzwitz:

Ein Mann fragt seine Frau, was sie sich zum Hochzeitstag wünscht.
Darauf sie: "Die Scheidung!"
Er: "Oh, soviel wollte ich dann doch nicht ausgeben" :lol:

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