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Alex
Großer Meister
Großer Meister
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Beiträge: 2857
Registriert: Di, 9. Jul 2002, 20:39
Wohnort: Berlin

Die Mutter aller Tests

Mo, 23. Feb 2004, 19:49

Ich besuche ja regelmäßig www.bluesnews.com und finde da ja immer wieder lustige Links. Aber einen hätte ich fast verpasst, da er gut versteckt war - hier bei den normalen Spieletest:

Game Reviews [February 21, 2004, 1:06 pm EST]
    Coliseum on GameSpot.
    Journey to the Center of the Earth on Gameraiders.
    One Must Fall: Battlegrounds on Game Revolution.
    Red Faction II on Flickerdown Data Systems.
    Standard Generic Mediocre Game on ActionTrip.
    Two Thrones on GameSpot and GameZone.


Die Review vom "Standard Generic Mediocre Game" ist aber wirklich gut:

Over these past couple of years, the market has been flooded with [enter popular game genre] games that all try to be like [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher] in hopes that the fans who are raving over [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher] would blindly give their money away on account of Generic Mediocre Game being very similar to [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher].

(Cue in short summary of the game that renders the rest of the review obsolete.)

Although Generic Mediocre Game shows a lot of promise and brings a few novel ideas to the table… (Now you grind it into the dust and step on its testicles.) … its poor execution and the generally [mandatory use of the word 'unpolished'] feel to the gameplay are likely to dishearten many of the fans of [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher].

(Continue shamelessly with the review even though you've told readers everything they need to know about Generic Mediocre Game already.)

The story in Generic Mediocre Game takes place in a distant galaxy [enter random name by combining the first three and the last two letters of the second word in any random term (i.e. "sock fetish")]. In galaxy Socsh two huge corporations are battling over [enter random precious earthly resource that's somehow abundant on the alien world] in a thousand year struggle for supremacy. Generic Race 1 is a race of warriors who rely mostly on brute strength and the power of [enter description of pseudo military arsenal], while Generic Race 2 is more technologically advanced, and relies on [enter description of pseudo Star Trek arsenal]. Generic Race 3 of mystics that rely on magic and elemental powers is optional.

The player is put in the role of [enter generic hero with a bombastic name]. He is a lone wolf who is working for whoever pays most [enter generic currency name], and he does so without a flicker of emotion. Enter generic ship crew consisting of an alien ship engineer, cute looking medic chick and a huge growling alien who comes from a planet that has been destroyed by one of the huge corporations, and is only tagging along so that he can exact his revenge on those responsible. Generic hero with the bombastic name goes on a mission for one of the corporations. Enter the following plot twists: after mission four, he realizes he's just a pawn in a grand conspiracy that threatens the ENTIRE GALAXY! He falls in love with the medic. "Love" scene represented via a clumsy attempt to make low poly characters express feelings in thick [enter random state from Eastern Europe] accent. On screen, hero with the bombastic name ends up looking like a fucking closet homosexual/macho type with a beefy neck who acts around cute medic chick like she's one of his [enter random alien sport] buddies. Cue in the biggest plot twist in the game. Hero with the bombastic name stumbles on an alien artifact of [huge, enormous, vast or gigantic] power, unaware that [enter bit about him being the "chosen one"]. Hero proceeds to blow everything up with reckless abandon. During a completely misplaced cut-scene that momentarily stops the mayhem, generic hero with the bombastic name reveals the story of his troubled past to a random NPC. Mayhem continues until "all evil enemy is death."

Now put in a bit about how the plot is rather unoriginal, and reminds you of so many other similar [enter popular game genre] games that you've played over [enter random time period]. Build it up a bit; some of the characters seem rather lifelike; and then take any dreams that the writer might've had (writer is as much a native English speaker as [enter random Hungarian poet]), and crush them with the mighty hammer of literary vengeance. Make fun of verb usage, split infinitives, comma splices, adverb and proverb usage, awkward sentence structure, run on sentences, and especially of the erroneous puns and dialogue that serve mostly to baffle and amuse the native English speakers (At one point, Generic Mediocre Game seemed to abandon language altogether. This was somewhat refreshing, as I couldn't follow the story of Generic Mediocre Game anyways; it turned out to be a sound bug. - Smap)

Because it takes too damn long to get to them, disregard any positive aspects about the story and proceed to make fun of erroneous puns and dialogue that serve mostly to baffle and amuse the native English speakers. After all, you're itching to play [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher], but don't worry, I heard that [insert popular development team] was fired from the project and the people that made this will be taking care of [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher].

This is an excellent moment to make sarcastic remarks that downplay [enter examples of god-awful voice acting] that were done in [enter bit about low quality audio] in a thick [enter random state from Eastern Europe] accent, and tie it in elegantly with the bit about the terrible writing.

Initially say encouraging things about the gameplay to justify [enter random number that hovers between 30 and 55] score by saying that the game was [occasionally, at times, rarely, seldom or sporadically] fun, and then lay it all out as far as the numerous bugs are concerned.

In mission one [enter random crash bug]. Follow that up with an exaggerated description of your reaction to [enter random crash bug] for comedy purposes. Enter bit about browsing the game forums for a workaround. Talk about how the graphics are marred by [enter random visual bug - preferably characters hovering above the ground, arms sticking out of walls or structures sinking several feet into the ground]. Put in bit about god-awful camera controls and clunky interface. Proceed to say something nice about the gameplay and how it was fun up until you ran into [enter show-stopping bug of your choice]. Try to top your previously described exaggerated reaction to [enter random crash bug] by describing a horridly exaggerated reaction for comedy purposes. Next mention visiting the game's official site to download the patch. The patch eventually causes a couple of other games on your HDD to stop working, and it tempers with Windows settings to subsequently display all text in Cyrillic alphabet. It also adds tons of spyware, porn, porn with spyware in it, and spyware disguised as porn. Enter random complaint about how hard it is to review games for a living to emphasize how cool you are, even though you slam on other people's hard work for a living. Also mention that your wife left you, and that, whatever donation service is on the site, isn't there to look pretty.

You are getting close to the end of page two in MS Word (Arial, 12pt). WOOHOO! You tallied up a respectable word count! Time to wrap this baby up and play [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher]. Yada, yada, yada… no replay value. Yada, yada, yada… bargain bin material. Yada, yada, yada… yet another unsuccessful attempt at riding on the success of [enter popular game mod that was later bought by a huge publisher].

(Make a mockery of your review by ending it with a subtly altered short summary of the game from paragraph two.)

The game brings a few novel twists to [enter popular game genre], but ultimately fails to impress because of its [enter examples of god-awful voice acting] that were done in [enter bit about low quality audio] in a thick [enter random state from Eastern Europe] accent, and [enter bit about the bugs with the mandatory use of the word 'unpolished']. Talk about how many other games will be better for the money. Say something cute to wrap up the article. Anything about "big bear" and the south will do.

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